what's it gonna take?

Pretty much every day, I think of what I aspire to do, as though it's off in the distance. Playing music for a living would be nice, but there's little chance something will materialize for a 31 year old who can't keep up with the 20-something prodigies (who will work practically for free). That ship may have sailed.

But that's not really what I think about nearly every day. Actually, I reminisce about a young worship leader in 1999 who found the purpose for his God-given talent. To lead in corporate worship, and to create unique musical platforms to do so. Getting out from behind the kit was a slow transition, and I didn't have the chops to be a famous worship writer or singer, but I had something. Perhaps just the perspective of one who didn't really like what church and "worship" had become. Everything had lead to this. Everything.

The story from 1999 to 2010 is for another day. But I'll say this: whatever blame I can place on poor church leaders or missed opportunities, there's 10-fold blame for me. I've "let myself go" in more ways than just weight gain. I've let my longing for acceptance by others dissipate my true calling. I've accepted the more "sure" thing (which is a delusion) instead of taking risks on what I know I'm capable of.

What's it gonna take to hold my own head up and be who I was meant to be. a man who is not here to watch SO MANY around me achieve their dreams, while dismissing my own. Often helping them achieve it. I have so many things to get "straight" in my life. Where to start? Probably running headstrong into Christ and begging for that purpose again...

... cause currently I feel nothing.