Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Battling Irresolution

If you know me at all, you know that I'm usually the anti-trend. If something is the "thing to do," I'm out. Or at least I take pride in not joining in, then slide into the trend in a nonchalant manner, hoping no one will notice.

But at this stage of my life, I absolutely must make a resolution (or many). I can't bring myself to call it a New Year's resolution, but it's really more of a life resolution. Let's call it a non-irresolution.

I've dwelled on my own thoughts, dreams, disappointments, failures for so long, that it's consumed me. Even if I knew what thing-job-mission-gig would make me happy, I'm not sure I would move on it. Actually, I think that's the reason I've passed on opportunities, given up jobs, and failed to perform to expectations with my current roles. The dissatisfaction has been so strong, almost consuming. But I've come to realize this... it's a cancer.

It's compounding natural grief or disappointment. Sure, we all "get it." -- I'm not slow, I get it too. I just never realized it was truly going on. We all justify our grumbles, right?

So my non-irresolution is to seek God's goodness in my life, and where it exists all around. This is not something that will happen overnight. I've made quite a self-loathing home for myself. But with grace, comes restoration.

Just typing these words is like a weight lifted. Please pray and journey with me. Thanks


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